When the Mirror Cracks: Healing Gaslighting, DARVO, and the Cycle of Harm

“Hurt people hurt people.”

We’ve heard the phrase.

We’ve lived the truth.

But where do we go from there?

Recently, I attended a workshop on the theme “Hurt People Hurt People.” It was

powerful, but I left with more questions than answers. The conversation stirred

something deep in me: reflections on harm, healing, and the uncomfortable tension

between being a survivor and, at times, an offender. This post was born from that

tension. From a need to keep unpacking what wasn’t said. And from a desire to move the conversation beyond slogans and into something useful—for those on both sides of the cycle.

In recovery work, we talk a lot about cycles; what we inherit, what we repeat, what

we’re here to disrupt. We learn that survival patterns can become harmful patterns.

And sometimes, the way we learned to protect ourselves ends up wounding someone else.

Gaslighting is one of those patterns. So is DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and

Offender.

Some of us have survived it. Some of us have used it. Many of us have done both.

This post holds space for all of them, for the ones trying to rebuild trust in themselves, and the ones ready to face their reflection with honesty and humility.

Naming the Pattern

Gaslighting isn’t a difference of opinion. It’s a form of manipulation that causes someone to question their memory, instincts, or reality. It often creeps in subtly. You walk away from a conversation feeling confused, unsure, even guilty, without fully understanding why.

DARVO is how gaslighting often gets enforced. It plays out in three steps:

First, the behavior is denied outright. Then, the person calling it out is attacked or

dismissed. Finally, the roles are flipped, and the offender positions themselves as the

real victim. Over time, this dynamic erodes trust, not just in the relationship, but in the

victim’s ability to trust themselves.

The result? Silence. Self-doubt. Shame.

And yet, naming the pattern is the first step toward disrupting it.

If You’ve Been Gaslit

You are not crazy.

The confusion, the self-doubt, the second-guessing, that’s not a personal failing. It’s the residue of manipulation. Gaslighting distorts not just what happened, but your sense of whether you’re even allowed to speak about it.

You don’t need to convince anyone of what you saw, what you felt, or what hurt you.

That truth belongs to you.

Writing things down can help. A journal can be a quiet witness when your mind starts to spin. Repeating simple truths like “I remember what happened” or “My perception is valid” can become anchors when doubt shows up.

Even just naming how something felt without needing anyone else to agree is an act of reclamation. You don’t need permission to trust yourself again.

If You’ve Used DARVO

This part requires courage. If you’ve used DARVO, if you’ve denied, deflected, or flipped the story to avoid accountability, you’re not alone.

Many of us learn these patterns early. Maybe you grew up in a home where blame was weaponized, where admitting fault meant punishment. Maybe you were never shown how to sit with discomfort without turning it into control.

But understanding where it came from doesn’t make it okay. It just makes the change possible.

You may not be able to undo the harm, but you can take responsibility. That begins by listening fully, quietly, without rushing to defend yourself. When someone says, “You hurt me,” the most healing words you can offer are: I hear you. I believe you. I want to do better.

That’s where the repair begins.

Apologize without conditions. Sit with your shame without letting it turn into justification. And if you're truly committed to change, don’t do it alone. Talk to a therapist, a mentor, or someone who can help you break the pattern before it breaks another relationship.

Moving Forward, Together

Healing from gaslighting doesn’t mean you’ll never doubt yourself again. It means you learn to return to yourself, over and over, until the fog clears.

Healing from DARVO doesn’t mean you’ll never feel defensive again. It means you

learn to pause, to sit with discomfort, and to choose honesty over control.

Whether you’ve been silenced or silent, there’s a path out. One rooted in truth. One

rooted in growth.

We can choose to be people who tell the truth.

Who repair harm.

Who disrupt the cycle.

Hurt people don’t have to keep hurting people. They can become the ones who heal. Starting with themselves.

© 2025 Awaken Recovery Foundation. All rights reserved.

This content may be shared for non-commercial use with proper credit. For reprint or usage, please contact info@awaknerecovery.org.